Overwhelmed-ness and Futility

I’m in one of the moments when the list of woes and worries is overwhelming. You can stop listening now, if this bums you out. Enjoy your bliss while can. But part of that dilemma is that no one in my life, at this moment, is someone I want to be with, talk to. I can’t think of one person that I think would suffice in this moment, including those nearest and dearest to me, and yet I want, more than anything, to be with someone or with people. I have the sense that no one would understand or say the right things and so to be alone is all I want and yet is the last thing I want.

It is in this vacuous moment that my old theistic roots cry out for a perfect person to be with, to talk to. An imaginary friend who understands me and the list of overwhelming woes I’m facing. But they don’t exist either.

I try to list them so I can physically manifest them one by one and check them off as manageable.

The un-treatable skin-cracking disease on the soles of my feet. (only un-treateable because there’s too many loopholes in place to get the prescribed ointment that humans have invented). Minor? Yes, but nonetheless a part of the list.

Each of the challenging woes my four children are undergoing, all of which I spawned presumptuously, with no regard to the disfavor I did them by creating them (under a theistic just-world hypothesis).

My futile activism I aspire to achieve through my podcast.

The nonsense and conflict and futility of my news feed on Facebook.

The American economy and the mess we’ve made of it and the realization that there is no one person or even 50 persons to blame who is still alive or even knew what they were doing when they were alive, least of all those still in “power” trying to manage it.

The ominous eminence of our ecosystem collapse under the naivete and stupidity of my species. Our management of water, oxygen, temperature, fossil fuels, waste disposal, and other essentials are unsustainable.  And always have been.

My personal financial failure and the three jobs my wife and I both work just to live hand to mouth. And this as we’re both white privileged.

The systemic breakdown of the origin of police–to protect and serve.

The emboldened racism under our first half-black President and the attribution of said discord to him. The futility of posting yet another #blacklivesmatter death.

The futile debate of whether Islam is peaceful or not. Like whether ligers are peaceful or not.

My menacing tobacco and alcohol habits.

My first world problems like Uverse and Xfinity wifi failures and why these aren’t real words.


Neighbors who won’t wave.

Bernie Sanders: so right and yet so implausible.

That I couldn’t think these thoughts without wanting to blog them.

Oh well. If you read this (or not), you were god for me tonight.





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